Critical Eyes

This morning, I had been criticizing my body, hating it for the digits it produced on my scale, for its stubbornness, for its refusal to comply with my expectations.  I viewed my size with critical eyes, as if that would somehow generate a response from the molecules to align with my demands.  Then I opened my YouVersion Bible App to the Verse of the Day...

"I have been crucified with Christ [that is, in Him I have shared His crucifixion]; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith [by adhering to, relying on, and completely trusting] in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."
Galatians 2:20 (Amplified Version)
https://my.bible.com/bible/1588/GAL.2.20.AMP

I've read and even memorized this verse over the years in various translations or versions; but the first bit of the verse always had the bulk of my awareness.  Today, my heart bleeding from the beating I'd given it moments before, I locked in on the latter part:  The life I now live in the body I live by faith [by adhering to, relying on, and completely trusting] in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.  I'm living in this body, indwelt by the Son of God, by faith in Him whose love is unsurpassed...and I've hated myself.  What an arrogant thing to do!

Self-loathing is not humility; it's pride.  The word-wiz in me went to the dictionary/thesaurus to find that hating is "to feel intense dislike, extreme aversion, hostility; detest; despise; disdain; disfavor; malice" among the entries.  "Malice?"  Oh, Dear.  I know enough Scriptures that warn against malice to know the Holy Spirit was driving the proverbial car to Repentance-ville.  

• 1 Peter 2:1 "Put aside every trace of malice..."
• Colossians 3:8 "Rid yourselves [completely] of all...malice.."
• Ephesians 4:31 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [perpetual animosity, resentment, strife, fault-finding] and slander be put away from you, along with every kind of malice [all spitefulness, verbal abuse, malevolence]."
• 1 Corinthians 5:8 "Therefore, let us celebrate the feast, not with old leaven, nor with leaven of vice and malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and [untainted] truth."
• Matthew 5:22 "But I say to you that everyone who continues to be angry with his brother or harbors malice against him shall be guilty before the court; and whoever speaks [contemptuously and insultingly] to his brother, ‘Raca (You empty-headed idiot)!’ shall be guilty before the supreme court (Sanhedrin); and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of the fiery hell."

What, then of malice that is inflicted inwardly?  How can that be helpful?  Godly sorrow is not the same thing as guilt, shame, and self-loathing.  Those things rob us of so many things that they cannot offer any virtue.  Instead of wounding myself and defying God's Word, let me "become enthusiastic for what is good" (1 Peter 3:13).  Our culture has much to say about "self-love," and it's not all from benevolent sources.  An appropriate view of my own value as a believer is best found in the kind of love God has for His creation.  To love-even-so, to be merciful, compassionate, and edifying in my words and attitudes toward myself is to agree with Him who made me.

Jotting with Johnna

• How has hatred, anger, malice, and self-deprecation been helpful for you as you pursue wellness?
• What stops you when you go on the downward spiral of self-loathing?
• Who could offer accountability and redirection for you as you turn the malice-mobile around and head toward a more loving way of being?
• Do you think that putting away malice toward yourself might also help your relationships with others?
• Where else in your life might the benefits of such redirection manifest?
• What reminder could you use - by your bathroom scale, in your closet, or elsewhere - to keep yourself mindful of the mandate against malice?

Remember:  you are so very worthy of acceptance, approval, and agape-style love regardless your size or situation.

Stay tuned.  Stay focused.  Stay well.