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Step Nine
"Made direct amends to such people
[all persons we had harmed]
whenever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or others."
I imagine this one is a truly difficult step. I cannot imagine, even as I write about these steps, walking through them; and I have deep admiration for those who are actually living the Program in its many manifestations. Those dealing with vexations of all manner, from alcoholism, porn addiction, anger management issues, and even the compulsive overeating that Bill B. worked through in Overeaters Anonymous before he wrote Compulsive Overeater (1981).
Note: I've never participated in any twelve step program, so my writing on the topic is not subject to my own experiences, nor have I ever known firsthand anyone who experienced the transformation these groups can bring. I'm simply examining this script from an academic, and admittedly hypothetical standpoint, to see what scraps we can glean to weave into our own individual wellness scripts. Now that I've arrived at the ninth in the set of twelve, however, I think most of us could benefit from the process, myself included.
Step Eight has members compile a list of those harmed by the recovering Stepper, and Step Nine is the fruition of that list - making direct amends. The writer cautions against expectations of forgiveness and reconciliation, as many humans would rather cling to resentment than relinquish their rights to retaliate. The truth is that this step isn't for them, it's for the recovering person, and we must allow people to be wherever they are in their own grief and growth processes, including ourselves.
I suspect, struggling with a fear of conflict myself, that many get stuck here, anxious over the inevitable confrontation inherent in such conversations. Fear never healed anyone, though. It must take immeasurable courage to go to those whose festering wounds may indeed explode all over your fragile heart. Bill B. encourages, "You make amends, not for what you are going to get from the person you have harmed, not from any motive at all except that you want to be of maximum service to God and man. You can be of service only if you are free from those past wreckages."
Some on the list may be deceased, or so far estranged that reaching them, even in this connected age, is rendered impossible if not impractical. For advice on dealing with difficult folks, even dangerous ones, you can find articles as easily as you found this one. They are quite well researched and contain great wisdom. As for those with whom you cannot have dialogue, I have a couple of suggestions as Jotting with Johnna is replaced by Jump into Action with Johnna for this step.
Jump into Action with Johnna:
- Write a letter to the harmed person and then read it aloud as if the person was indeed present. Once you've read the letter in its entirety, rip it to bits and imagine tearing up an invoice, debt paid.
- Pull up an empty chair and pretend the person is present in the seat beside you. You could even place a picture or a stuffed animal or some talisman to represent that person's essence. Pour your heart out, and when you're finished, replace the furniture and any symbolic things, and consider the matter closed.
- Make a donation to charity in the name of that person, one relevant to them and their own beliefs.
- Plant a tree or purchase a houseplant to nurture as a way of making amends to the harmed person.
- Volunteer your time in a cause that would be helpful to that person, something they would appreciate and that you otherwise would not feel led to do. Get those hands dirty as a means of cleaning up your life.
Remember:
Not all conversations are easy, but the necessary ones will reap a harvest. You are so very worthy of witnessing the harvest of your hard work, planting seeds of amends, weeding thorns away from precious hearts, and crafting a better tomorrow atop the ashes of yesterday.
Stay tuned. Stay focused. Stay well.
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