8 of 12: A Dozen Days of Twelve Step Concepts

I'm glad to see you here!  In case you're new to this blog or new to this series, this one's eight in a series of twelve posts.  The first of the series, 1 of 12:  A Dozen Days of Twelve Step Concepts, contains links, references, and context to which I'll allude in this one; as such, please revisit earlier posts in this series for those resources.  Many of those are also linked here, and others added; but if you fail to find it here, you can find it in previous posts.

Step Eight:  

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Image source:  https://www.worfolkanxiety.com/blog/why-you-should-write-a-list-of-your-positive-qualities

This one could use a disclaimer, I believe as a trained therapist, so here's my two cents on this step.  Relationships with other humans are not without complication and harm.  Ideally, everyone would have proper motives and perspectives with which to conduct themselves.  This is not always the case, however, and I've had to learn that firsthand and then make the painful choice to surgically remove people whose attachment to me was unhealthy.  Narcissists take the removal as another notch in their martyrdom belt, and as such, may deem themselves slighted because their access is now denied.  That is a manipulated and carefully curated view of their behavior, and further contact with such a person is not helpful to either party.  Narcissists will be convinced, and convince others if possible, that their behavior is purely altruistic and the only fallible humans are the ones outside his/her skin.  Make one perceived false move, whatever your own motive, and the narcissist in your life will pounce on it like a panther and never retract those claws, only perpetuating the codependent, poisonous cycle in which s/he thrives.

If you have had to make the agonizing trek away from someone who is toxic to your mental, physical, emotional, fiscal, or spiritual wellness, I believe that person is best left to another type of list.  Sometimes that is the "best possible relations with every human being we know," as a line in our current Wellness Script terms it.

Now, back to that current Script from which I'm operating, Compulsive Overeater, 1981, by Bill B., founded upon the Twelve Steps and the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) co-founder, Bill W.  Bill B's recovery story took place through Overeaters Anonymous (OA), an interpretation of those twelve steps for use with problematic food relationships.  As mentioned earlier, you can find reference links in earlier posts within this series.

Bill B. quotes the AA tome, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on its definition of harm for use with step eight:  practically, harm is "the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people."  The reason I mention harm to fiscal wellness in my disclaimer on this step is that improper behaviors with money, credit, or similar resources tends to point to other aspects of danger in a relationship.  Sometimes we cannot see something until it's in black and white (and red all over), but it's harder to ignore ruined credit and repeated demands for financial rescue which doesn't lead to reciprocity in any form.

A starting place for making the list is the inventory one does in Step Four, as the character defects listed there will bring to mind those impacted by - or harmed by - those defects.

Jotting with Johnna:

• Reading about Step Eight, who comes to mind?
• Write out not only the names, but the specific ways you may have inflicted harm - don't roll around in self-loathing, but be honest and concise with yourself about this.
• A couple of the hyperlinks above will deliver worksheets both for Step Eight and Step Four to help with this process.  Avail yourself of resources that will assist you in this task, because you'll need the list for the next step.

Remember:
Everywhere you go, people are exclusively human.  We all fail, but we are not failures.  You and those in your life, on your list, are so very worthy of the work of healing, and paramount to healing is being able to look upon the wounded places with clarity and courage.

Stay tuned.  Stay focused.  Stay well.